I'm Having a lot of Feelings Tonight

From Paper Towns by, John Green:

“In my experience...when you leave a place, it’s best to leave.” (283)
“I couldn’t figure out any other way that I could leave without getting dragged back.” (287)


I struggle with the transitory nature of the life of a college student. I live in two cities, have two sets of important people in my life, and have to balance the independence I have from living alone with the responsibility I have to the family I live with.

When Margo Roth Spiegelman says "it's best to leave" she means that it's best to leave completely. This character cut her ties with home abruptly and instantly started her independent life on her terms. It was irresponsible not to tell anyone what she was doing, and I do not agree with her choices, but leaving and returning between my two homes is emotionally draining.

I like that I can get dragged back to my life as it is in each place. I have routines at school and I have routines at home. The people I interact with are pretty great in both places, and I love all the connections I have. In that way, my metaphor is the grass because I do feel interconnected, but not that I can necessarily become another person (Green's characters discuss metaphors for life and interpersonal relationships including strings, cracks, and grass in reference to "Song of Myself" by, Walt Whitman).

Getting dragged back, however, makes the leaving incomplete each time I go. A piece of me stays behind and it's always hard to be in transition. In that way, I crack.

I always return to these ideas from Paper Towns each time I go back to school. Not necessarily the ones about the human condition, but the stuff about leaving. It's really hard to say good-bye to friends I know I won't see for months at a time. E-mail and social networking is not a replacement for time spent together. This time, I will be apart from home friends either until March or until August. It's a long time not to see someone you care about in person.

There were a lot of extra long hugs today.

And, despite all these mixed emotions, today is awesome because I got to spend it with some of my closest friends in the entire world. They're great, I miss them while I'm away, and I look forward to seeing them when I'm back.

Ok...time to go...another crack, but always more connected roots to my fellow leaves of grass.