I've been thinking a lot about how I feel I have been socialized to communicate about pain, injury, and illness. In the last month, I sprained my ankle, am currently dealing with the strangest virus I've ever had, watched the Olympics, and did Dance Marathon. These are all events that include pain, injury, and illness, and I perceive a glorification of those who push through and do things despite the danger.
I hid my sprained ankle from everybody for an entire week. I could hardly walk the day after it happened, but I moseyed about and pretended like nothing was wrong. If I didn't admit that I was in pain, I didn't have to deal with an injury being real, and I wouldn't have to take action about it. This was concurrent with the Olympics, when the announcers would detail all the injuries that sidelined the athletes leading up to the competition of their lives. I think that type of discussion of injury, that makes it something to push through or get past in order to do the thing that is important, is damaging when it allows us to give ourselves permission to ignore a potentially harmful incident. My ankle is fine and I can walk normally again, but that was not a good week for me, and I know I handled it badly. I just wanted to keep going and get on with my life.
And now I've got this weird virus. I've stayed in bed for the last few days, and it's been a strange ebb and flow of symptoms that are completely abnormal for me. I never really know how to answer when people ask me how I am, because the real answer is much more complicated that I really want to get into. So I just say I'm fine, usually with a shrug. I'm not fine. I just went through the worst night in recent memory. I have a completely blocked eustachian tube right now, and the pressure in my ear was so painful that I could not sleep. I called my mother in tears at 1AM because I was so at a loss for how to deal with the problem, and she stayed on the phone with me for an hour as I inhaled steam and took decongestants. I ended up sleeping for about an hour after we got off the phone, but then the pain woke me up again, and I spent another two hours doing the same things to get myself able to sleep again. Four hours later, I can face the day, but my ear is still completely clogged. So, if you ask me how I am today, I'm not fine, but I will probably tell you I am.
I'm still trying to figure out why, when we are dealing with illness or injury or pain or anything complicated, we push through and don't really talk about it. Why is it so shameful to take a sick day? Why do I feel weak when I can't force myself to go about my life despite being sick? Why do I keep fighting after being kicked in the face? The go-to thing is to slap a band aid on it, grab an ice pack, put some windex on it (that's a joke) and move on. But sometimes we need to stop. Sometimes it's bad enough to sideline you for a little while. Sometimes, all you can do is take the decongestants, eat a popsicle, and write your finals anyway. And that means skipping the things you want to do in order to do the things you have to do. Because the have to's are not a choice. The want to's leave you with the power of egress, and even though it might make you sad, that's the appropriate choice.
I'm rambling now. I will be posting a winter quarter wrap up and a Dance Marathon blog soon. I've been crazy busy and now I have to actually finish my finals.
Today is awesome because I didn't wake up with a throat so sore that all I could think about was eating a popsicle.
