It's funny. The first weekend of March for all of high school was States, a "Speech Marathon" if you will. Now, in college, it's Dance Marathon.
Somehow, I have the feeling my birthday will never be completely free.
Another odd occurrence was when I realized that I was reacting to puppetry class the same way I reacted to BC calculus. Except this time I didn't have a breakdown that involved throwing my math book on a wooden floor because I was mad at it and it made a cool sound.
And now, as I sit here blogging and drinking chai instead of writing the last bit of my argument for this history paper that is due tomorrow and should have been written last week, I leave you with a haiku, dear blog.
Twenty-two thirty
Who could be reading my blog?
It has lots of views
Today is awesome because I got the most amazing care package from the prospie who visited me last week. It was completely unnecessary, and remarkably kind.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Blogging on a Saturday Night
This is the first time this year that I have had to stay in and do homework on a Saturday night. But then again, since I'm procrastinating so much on this paper, I might go to game night with the dorm anyway.
I have become most proficient at being what I like to call "productively unproductive," which is my way of saying that I'm doing useful things that are the wrong useful things to be doing. Incorrect priorities.
For example, I have had this paper assigned for a couple weeks now, but I didn't start writing until around 4:00 today. It's due on Monday. Instead of writing, last weekend I finished my reading for two classes, showed a prospective student from my high school around campus, and hung out with friends. During the week, instead of starting this paper earlier, I did a study guide for an exam that is also this week, Monday's reading for the class with the paper, and the paper that's due on Tuesday (that's basically the other high-pressure things I needed to get done this weekend). Somehow, sleep and exercise and a 20-minute phone call with the medical helpline were more important than my writing progress today.
Anyhow, I have all afternoon tomorrow to get this thing written, I'll get up early on Monday or stay up late on Sunday to do final edits, and it'll get turned in and be fine. I have faith in my writing ability. What I have no faith in is my ability to concentrate, but I will have to get around that.
The big reason I'm feeling the pressure to get this stuff done is because I start work on Dance Marathon tomorrow! YAY!!!!! At 5:00 we have lights training, followed by a committee meeting, then the initial walk-through of the tent. Monday morning, we get the lights and truss, so it's a big setup day, and then programming the rest of the week. Thursday is my birthday (which I am quite excited for), then the final walk-through of the tent at night.
Friday, I have a breakfast meeting, then I'm napping, packing, and heading to DM at 2:00, not to emerge from the student center until 4AM on Sunday. It is going to be fantastic :)
So, yeah. Further procrastination before not writing any more of my paper tonight, finishing my paper tomorrow (after yoga), DM tech week, and my birthday. Lots to look forward to.
Today is awesome because of that moment when you think the ground looks muddy, but it's frozen so you can walk on it anyway.
I have become most proficient at being what I like to call "productively unproductive," which is my way of saying that I'm doing useful things that are the wrong useful things to be doing. Incorrect priorities.
For example, I have had this paper assigned for a couple weeks now, but I didn't start writing until around 4:00 today. It's due on Monday. Instead of writing, last weekend I finished my reading for two classes, showed a prospective student from my high school around campus, and hung out with friends. During the week, instead of starting this paper earlier, I did a study guide for an exam that is also this week, Monday's reading for the class with the paper, and the paper that's due on Tuesday (that's basically the other high-pressure things I needed to get done this weekend). Somehow, sleep and exercise and a 20-minute phone call with the medical helpline were more important than my writing progress today.
Anyhow, I have all afternoon tomorrow to get this thing written, I'll get up early on Monday or stay up late on Sunday to do final edits, and it'll get turned in and be fine. I have faith in my writing ability. What I have no faith in is my ability to concentrate, but I will have to get around that.
The big reason I'm feeling the pressure to get this stuff done is because I start work on Dance Marathon tomorrow! YAY!!!!! At 5:00 we have lights training, followed by a committee meeting, then the initial walk-through of the tent. Monday morning, we get the lights and truss, so it's a big setup day, and then programming the rest of the week. Thursday is my birthday (which I am quite excited for), then the final walk-through of the tent at night.
Friday, I have a breakfast meeting, then I'm napping, packing, and heading to DM at 2:00, not to emerge from the student center until 4AM on Sunday. It is going to be fantastic :)
So, yeah. Further procrastination before not writing any more of my paper tonight, finishing my paper tomorrow (after yoga), DM tech week, and my birthday. Lots to look forward to.
Today is awesome because of that moment when you think the ground looks muddy, but it's frozen so you can walk on it anyway.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Stressed But Not
These past two weeks have made me face some pretty huge amounts of stress regarding the future of my education and the classes I'm taking next quarter.
My first realization was that all of my remaining requirements are 300-level classes. These involve a lot of reading, homework, time, and effort. It is difficult to successfully complete 2 of them and still have life balance.
I then realized that if I take 2 requirements next quarter, I will have 13 left to complete over the course of 2 years. I take 12 classes per year. I'm fine.
So, I pre-registered for my sociology field research class (very work-intensive) and another sociology class. Later that night, I talked to a friend who encouraged me to take a particular theatre class that would be adequate balance, so I switched to that. Last week: Sociology Field Research and The Art of Storytelling.
My plan was to then register this week for History of the Holocaust (LOTS of reading, but it counts as my last distribution requirement and as an out-of-department elective for my major) and Intro to Music (a fun class). Both of them filled; I am on wait lists. Instead, I registered for Intro to Game Theory and a Global Health class on Maternal and Child Health (my favorite topic). I am still hopeful and will work to get that schedule I initially wanted, particularly the history class, but I can deal with this one. And it is 3 requirements either way, so 12 required classes in 2 years: not bad.
I plan things so exactly that any variation stresses me out, but the scheduling stuff is really all that's been bothering me lately. It's been an all-consuming bother, but pretty much everything else has been going right. I've made a concerted effort to have great workouts, and I feel so healthy. I got on top of my homework for the rest of the quarter by finishing the readings for two of my classes, and all of my classes only have 3 more meetings each.
I will admit that I have been procrastinating like crazy on my remaining readings (darn tumblr!) and that I have a paper and a research report to write up this weekend before going into tech week for Dance Marathon (if you want to donate, go to nudm.org and put my name in; the beneficiary is such an amazing organization). The end is in sight, and I'm quite pleased with how things are wrapping up.
I've also gotten into writing haikus to sum up what's on my mind and how things are going in my life. It's just kind of fun.
Oh, and my birthday is in a week. That's a thing. I'm kind of excited, but I know it's just going to be a chill kind of day because Dance Marathon is the following day. My parents are sending me a cake :)
Today is awesome because it's the weekend!
My first realization was that all of my remaining requirements are 300-level classes. These involve a lot of reading, homework, time, and effort. It is difficult to successfully complete 2 of them and still have life balance.
I then realized that if I take 2 requirements next quarter, I will have 13 left to complete over the course of 2 years. I take 12 classes per year. I'm fine.
So, I pre-registered for my sociology field research class (very work-intensive) and another sociology class. Later that night, I talked to a friend who encouraged me to take a particular theatre class that would be adequate balance, so I switched to that. Last week: Sociology Field Research and The Art of Storytelling.
My plan was to then register this week for History of the Holocaust (LOTS of reading, but it counts as my last distribution requirement and as an out-of-department elective for my major) and Intro to Music (a fun class). Both of them filled; I am on wait lists. Instead, I registered for Intro to Game Theory and a Global Health class on Maternal and Child Health (my favorite topic). I am still hopeful and will work to get that schedule I initially wanted, particularly the history class, but I can deal with this one. And it is 3 requirements either way, so 12 required classes in 2 years: not bad.
I plan things so exactly that any variation stresses me out, but the scheduling stuff is really all that's been bothering me lately. It's been an all-consuming bother, but pretty much everything else has been going right. I've made a concerted effort to have great workouts, and I feel so healthy. I got on top of my homework for the rest of the quarter by finishing the readings for two of my classes, and all of my classes only have 3 more meetings each.
I will admit that I have been procrastinating like crazy on my remaining readings (darn tumblr!) and that I have a paper and a research report to write up this weekend before going into tech week for Dance Marathon (if you want to donate, go to nudm.org and put my name in; the beneficiary is such an amazing organization). The end is in sight, and I'm quite pleased with how things are wrapping up.
I've also gotten into writing haikus to sum up what's on my mind and how things are going in my life. It's just kind of fun.
Oh, and my birthday is in a week. That's a thing. I'm kind of excited, but I know it's just going to be a chill kind of day because Dance Marathon is the following day. My parents are sending me a cake :)
Today is awesome because it's the weekend!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My Fandom Guide
So, I identify as a member of a number of fandoms, particularly Harry Potter and Doctor Who. I'm writing a post to discuss which fandoms I'm a part of and what my favorite things about them are.
YouTube:
This is where I started to be immersed in fandom culture. I started with vlogbrothers, then expanded to fiveawesomegirls, and later added the girls' personal channels, meekakitty, lukeconard, alexcarpenter, jasonmunday, nanalew, rhettandlink, etc. Basically, big names in wizard rock, nerdiness, and comedy. The way my YouTube interests spiraled into so many subscriptions mirrored the fandoms outside the YouTube community that I identify with. The people I watch on YouTube like many of the same things I do (most of the things on this list), and I think my love of John Green books is certainly connected to the fact that I watch him on vlogbrothers. I love the independent content that these people create, and I like being able to support them through views online, listening to their music, and going to live shows.
Harry Potter:
I am a Ravenclaw with some Gryffindor tendencies. I'm a huge fan of Lily Evans, Hasan Mostafa, and Ewan Abercrombie (he's a Hufflepuff). I know a lot of trivia, love the images and info on Pottermore, and listen to wizard rock (wrock) on a regular basis. I have a decent Lily Evans costume (plaid skirt, white button-down, Gryffindor tie), but I am in the process of trying to figure out how to acquire some Ravenclaw swag. I really want to go to LeakyCon (or a similar huge convention) and somehow get to Wizarding World.
Doctor Who:
I love the Doctor and the TARDIS. Daleks, while exciting, don't really do it for me. I also don't love Cybermen. David Tennant is my favorite actor of the new series, but Matt Smith is totally adorkable. Companions: 1. Rose (she's awesome) 2. River (so spunky, so smart, so awesome) 3. Rory (he's so loyal, loving, and wonderful) 4. Donna (feisty; challenges the Doctor) 5. Martha (smart, makes her own choices, really great adventures) 6. Amy (funny, adventurous, has the most meaningful relationships with the most people). These are in order, but the ranking is kind of irrelevant because I like all of the companions a lot. Gallifrey and the TARDIS are my favorite symbols/places. My favorite Christmas Special is The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe. My favorite adventure is the Shakespeare Code. My favorite episode is Blink. I love the intersection of science and science fiction and plot. It's my favorite show because the visual and the audio are both necessary.
The Hunger Games:
Favorite character is Katniss. Character crush is totally Peeta. Obsessed with Mockingjays. The thing that's great about the series is that there is no sugar-coating of the violence. I'm quite nervous about the movie ruining certain scenes and glossing over the things that make the series so impactful. I get chills when I hear Rue's whistle.
Sherlock:
I just got into this series. It is so BBC! It has great banter and great action. I think I like John more than Sherlock. Mycroft is hilarious. Jim is a bit too crazy for me; I find him annoying. I feel dorkily special when I tie my scarf like Sherlock does.
Buffy/Angel:
I liked Buffy through season 3, Willow through season 4, always Xander, Giles, and Tara. Anya grew on me, and I loved Spike in the last few episodes. I appreciate Joss Whedon's take on vampire lore. Favorite boyfriends were Angel (always) and Riley (before he got insecure). Favorite episode: Hush. I like Angel because it shows a different side of the Whedonverse of good and evil. Love all the characters. Killer last line of the series "I want to slay the dragon." The series do seem to stagnate after a while, but they are always entertaining.
I think I'm going to leave it at that for now.
Today is awesome because I realized that I am going to finish a major and two minors with time to spare.
YouTube:
This is where I started to be immersed in fandom culture. I started with vlogbrothers, then expanded to fiveawesomegirls, and later added the girls' personal channels, meekakitty, lukeconard, alexcarpenter, jasonmunday, nanalew, rhettandlink, etc. Basically, big names in wizard rock, nerdiness, and comedy. The way my YouTube interests spiraled into so many subscriptions mirrored the fandoms outside the YouTube community that I identify with. The people I watch on YouTube like many of the same things I do (most of the things on this list), and I think my love of John Green books is certainly connected to the fact that I watch him on vlogbrothers. I love the independent content that these people create, and I like being able to support them through views online, listening to their music, and going to live shows.
Harry Potter:
I am a Ravenclaw with some Gryffindor tendencies. I'm a huge fan of Lily Evans, Hasan Mostafa, and Ewan Abercrombie (he's a Hufflepuff). I know a lot of trivia, love the images and info on Pottermore, and listen to wizard rock (wrock) on a regular basis. I have a decent Lily Evans costume (plaid skirt, white button-down, Gryffindor tie), but I am in the process of trying to figure out how to acquire some Ravenclaw swag. I really want to go to LeakyCon (or a similar huge convention) and somehow get to Wizarding World.
Doctor Who:
I love the Doctor and the TARDIS. Daleks, while exciting, don't really do it for me. I also don't love Cybermen. David Tennant is my favorite actor of the new series, but Matt Smith is totally adorkable. Companions: 1. Rose (she's awesome) 2. River (so spunky, so smart, so awesome) 3. Rory (he's so loyal, loving, and wonderful) 4. Donna (feisty; challenges the Doctor) 5. Martha (smart, makes her own choices, really great adventures) 6. Amy (funny, adventurous, has the most meaningful relationships with the most people). These are in order, but the ranking is kind of irrelevant because I like all of the companions a lot. Gallifrey and the TARDIS are my favorite symbols/places. My favorite Christmas Special is The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe. My favorite adventure is the Shakespeare Code. My favorite episode is Blink. I love the intersection of science and science fiction and plot. It's my favorite show because the visual and the audio are both necessary.
The Hunger Games:
Favorite character is Katniss. Character crush is totally Peeta. Obsessed with Mockingjays. The thing that's great about the series is that there is no sugar-coating of the violence. I'm quite nervous about the movie ruining certain scenes and glossing over the things that make the series so impactful. I get chills when I hear Rue's whistle.
Sherlock:
I just got into this series. It is so BBC! It has great banter and great action. I think I like John more than Sherlock. Mycroft is hilarious. Jim is a bit too crazy for me; I find him annoying. I feel dorkily special when I tie my scarf like Sherlock does.
Buffy/Angel:
I liked Buffy through season 3, Willow through season 4, always Xander, Giles, and Tara. Anya grew on me, and I loved Spike in the last few episodes. I appreciate Joss Whedon's take on vampire lore. Favorite boyfriends were Angel (always) and Riley (before he got insecure). Favorite episode: Hush. I like Angel because it shows a different side of the Whedonverse of good and evil. Love all the characters. Killer last line of the series "I want to slay the dragon." The series do seem to stagnate after a while, but they are always entertaining.
I think I'm going to leave it at that for now.
Today is awesome because I realized that I am going to finish a major and two minors with time to spare.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
A New Week
I had a fantastic weekend. Friday was predominantly life tasks, but still fun. Saturday, I woke up, did homework, and then got a text from a friend to run errands together. I bought myself Orca Spice Chai mix and a scarf at World Market. I don't buy myself things, but I really like the scarf. It makes me feel dorkily cool to tie it like Sherlock does :) I went to the closing of my show on Saturday, which was fantastic, and then got to hang out with that crowd for a bit. Sunday was strike, which went very well, and I finished my day with homework and 2 birthday celebrations.
I've been having such a normal week. It's really great to feel like myself again. I just have this prominent chronic stress of course registration looming in the near future. As in, it's tomorrow. I have no idea how to balance my schedule. Everything I want to take is either at the same time or the same topic as something else I'm taking. The possible classes for my minors are not interesting to me or already full, and I see no way around taking all 300-level classes. One of them that I have to take is field research, which is extremely work-intensive since we are actually doing field research for the class. I'm feeling very stuck and I'm not sure what to do about it.
It is Valentine's Day, isn't it? Many people bemoan the fact that it is a commercialized holiday or that they are single or that they don't know what to do with the bf/gf/sig o/whatever. I'm finding Valentine's Day 2012 to be quite nice. My dorm has done a project where we leave each other Valentines, so I've been coming home to cards and candy and kind notes all day. That's what today is all about, right?
I guess I'll conclude now.
Today is awesome because I got my tax-exempt form to shop for munchies for the best dorm ever!
I've been having such a normal week. It's really great to feel like myself again. I just have this prominent chronic stress of course registration looming in the near future. As in, it's tomorrow. I have no idea how to balance my schedule. Everything I want to take is either at the same time or the same topic as something else I'm taking. The possible classes for my minors are not interesting to me or already full, and I see no way around taking all 300-level classes. One of them that I have to take is field research, which is extremely work-intensive since we are actually doing field research for the class. I'm feeling very stuck and I'm not sure what to do about it.
It is Valentine's Day, isn't it? Many people bemoan the fact that it is a commercialized holiday or that they are single or that they don't know what to do with the bf/gf/sig o/whatever. I'm finding Valentine's Day 2012 to be quite nice. My dorm has done a project where we leave each other Valentines, so I've been coming home to cards and candy and kind notes all day. That's what today is all about, right?
I guess I'll conclude now.
Today is awesome because I got my tax-exempt form to shop for munchies for the best dorm ever!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Turnaround
I don't know what happened today, but I am downright chipper. This is a huge change from the way I've been walking around in a cloud of sad for the past couple weeks. I like it :)
I woke up after getting 6-ish hours of sleep; I was tired and a bit grouchy, but I ate my granola bar, drank my coffee drink, and went to my class. I really like my Public Health class. Then I had Sociology class, which was pretty interesting today; we talked about surveys and interviews. Then I went to lunch.
12:30 on a Thursday. I'm eating lunch with a friend in the dining hall. And then it hit me. It was the weekend!
After lunch I had an amazing workout at the gym. I ran on the elliptical, then did squats, crunches, and push ups. I did 50 push ups, and my wrist didn't hurt at all. After showering, I realized that I felt like myself again.
Somehow, everything turned around today. I am back to being myself mood-wise, and although the last two weeks of a rough patch are not eliminated, it makes me appreciate all that I can do when I'm happy. I like being happy; I strive for happy.
I want to give a special thank you to all of my friends who have been perceptive and supportive whether it be through words, acknowledgment, or hugs: Brandee, Shannon, Ashley, JJ, Brad, Amy, Alex, Dana, Shawn, Lizzy, and Aaron. You were there when I needed reassurance that I was doing things that were worthwhile, and you made me feel appreciated as a person. You're wonderful, and I appreciate you.
Today is awesome because I'm BACK!
I woke up after getting 6-ish hours of sleep; I was tired and a bit grouchy, but I ate my granola bar, drank my coffee drink, and went to my class. I really like my Public Health class. Then I had Sociology class, which was pretty interesting today; we talked about surveys and interviews. Then I went to lunch.
12:30 on a Thursday. I'm eating lunch with a friend in the dining hall. And then it hit me. It was the weekend!
After lunch I had an amazing workout at the gym. I ran on the elliptical, then did squats, crunches, and push ups. I did 50 push ups, and my wrist didn't hurt at all. After showering, I realized that I felt like myself again.
Somehow, everything turned around today. I am back to being myself mood-wise, and although the last two weeks of a rough patch are not eliminated, it makes me appreciate all that I can do when I'm happy. I like being happy; I strive for happy.
I want to give a special thank you to all of my friends who have been perceptive and supportive whether it be through words, acknowledgment, or hugs: Brandee, Shannon, Ashley, JJ, Brad, Amy, Alex, Dana, Shawn, Lizzy, and Aaron. You were there when I needed reassurance that I was doing things that were worthwhile, and you made me feel appreciated as a person. You're wonderful, and I appreciate you.
Today is awesome because I'm BACK!
Moving Forward
After I posted on Saturday, things got better. I saw a fantastic, hilarious play that made me realize how lucky I am to have such talented friends. This, in addition to the play I saw on Thursday, reaffirmed why student theater is great. It gives people the chance to take artistic risks, tell stories, and share their work with others in a totally unique way. The play on Saturday had so many people doing their respective jobs for the first time and being wildly successful; I was excited and inspired.
Sunday, however, I lost my enthusiasm again. I woke up, did homework, and went to load in the show I am currently working on. I have been looking forward to this show, this job, and working with this team ever since I joined the project, but somehow, I could not muster the enthusiasm to be excited and energized about load-in, and I don't think the thrill of theater is wearing off. We got through our re-hang, but preliminary focus took a really long time. I kept thinking of all the homework and other things I could be doing during that time that did not include standing on the balcony waiting to focus lights. Luckily, we finished early, and I could go home and get sleep.
Monday, I would consider myself to have been getting better but still in a funk. I woke up early, went to the gym, turned in my study abroad application, and then went to do load-in part 2. I was just so physically and emotionally tired after a short time, which was discouraging. After class, I went back to finish up at the show, then I ate dinner, took a homework break, and returned for the prod meeting, where I completely lost patience for words. It was after midnight, and I was there because I should be, but I had no reason for or interest in listening to individuals monologue at that hour. I went home very unhappy.
Tuesday was both better and worse. I had an average morning, then I ate lunch and went to the show. Things took a much happier turn when I successfully completed my electrics work in the space by myself, correctly, and in a timely manner. I was proud of the work I did, and it reaffirmed that I am a capable human being. However, after I left the show and finished my homework, I took the time to go over a returned assignment and got pretty worked up about points that were deducted unfairly based on the work I did reflecting the content of the assignment sheet. That quickly set me back emotionally.
Today was a sort of tired-and-sad thing. I got things done, like exercising, finishing Angel, and running some errands, which was good, but I still had to deal with that assignment. I took it to office hours and did get a point back, but it doesn't change the fact that I did the work according to the instructions and still lost points. I'm not anal grades girl, but when each point I lose is a percentage point of my final grade, I get nervous as I watch certain levels of achievement slip away. I don't expect to do perfect work; I don't expect to get straight As anymore, but I do expect for my grades to reflect the thought and effort I put in, and this one did not. I'm not going to lie; I cried about this one both yesterday and today. The instructions should have been clearer if it was going to be graded as it was. I did, however, have my attendance, engagement, and understanding acknowledged, and hopefully that will swing my grade up in the end.
The thing I'm having trouble reconciling for myself is that I always identify as a really together person who can do everything. My everything is relative to what I think I can handle, and having to cut back on things that are important to me is the hardest thing I have to do. I'm trying so hard, but it's not always enough. The emotional drawback is that it is leaving me apathetic to everything and just generally sad when I try to stay positive and analytical about my life.
It's also such a huge combination of things, a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I can articulate certain events that have been triggers or effects of this mini meltdown of mine, but I don't know how to talk about why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. It's school, theater, health, nutrition, exhaustion, and being stuck in my own head, leaving me overwhelmed, stressed, sad, and apathetic. I'm ready to just go back to normal.
And I also feel guilty for getting caught up in things that are so small in the grand scheme of things. I mean, there are people dying all over the world from preventable health conditions and here I am kvetching about being sad because I can't handle the combination of things I've taken on. Boo hoo. I'm so thankful to be a privileged university student in the United States instead of a mother of three in a part of a developing nation with no healthcare.
I'm also grateful for my wonderful friends who have sensed that I'm sad. I try not to project it, because being organized and put-together is part of my persona, but I appreciate your concern. I'm being human, this will pass, but while I'm realigning I'm grateful for your hugs.
I have been more balanced this week. I got all my homework done ahead of time, exercised every day, paid attention to my diet, and prioritized the ways I spent my time. I have a feeling that I'll have complete control next week.
I am so not perfect. I never wanted to be perfect. I just somehow managed to do so many things. When my identity as "everything girl" falls apart, I fall apart. I'm still picking up the pieces, but I'd say I'm now a 70% complete jigsaw puzzle. I need a few more days to reclaim who and what I am, but I'll be fine. I just have to get through the sad.
And here's the real important part: why today is awesome. It's bringing me back to optimism. I'm going to do this before bed each night so I can find the good in my days; that's the point of the exercise which started during daily blogs.
Today is awesome because I have caring friends who can tell I'm not myself, and because Falsettos is an amazing production.
Sunday, however, I lost my enthusiasm again. I woke up, did homework, and went to load in the show I am currently working on. I have been looking forward to this show, this job, and working with this team ever since I joined the project, but somehow, I could not muster the enthusiasm to be excited and energized about load-in, and I don't think the thrill of theater is wearing off. We got through our re-hang, but preliminary focus took a really long time. I kept thinking of all the homework and other things I could be doing during that time that did not include standing on the balcony waiting to focus lights. Luckily, we finished early, and I could go home and get sleep.
Monday, I would consider myself to have been getting better but still in a funk. I woke up early, went to the gym, turned in my study abroad application, and then went to do load-in part 2. I was just so physically and emotionally tired after a short time, which was discouraging. After class, I went back to finish up at the show, then I ate dinner, took a homework break, and returned for the prod meeting, where I completely lost patience for words. It was after midnight, and I was there because I should be, but I had no reason for or interest in listening to individuals monologue at that hour. I went home very unhappy.
Tuesday was both better and worse. I had an average morning, then I ate lunch and went to the show. Things took a much happier turn when I successfully completed my electrics work in the space by myself, correctly, and in a timely manner. I was proud of the work I did, and it reaffirmed that I am a capable human being. However, after I left the show and finished my homework, I took the time to go over a returned assignment and got pretty worked up about points that were deducted unfairly based on the work I did reflecting the content of the assignment sheet. That quickly set me back emotionally.
Today was a sort of tired-and-sad thing. I got things done, like exercising, finishing Angel, and running some errands, which was good, but I still had to deal with that assignment. I took it to office hours and did get a point back, but it doesn't change the fact that I did the work according to the instructions and still lost points. I'm not anal grades girl, but when each point I lose is a percentage point of my final grade, I get nervous as I watch certain levels of achievement slip away. I don't expect to do perfect work; I don't expect to get straight As anymore, but I do expect for my grades to reflect the thought and effort I put in, and this one did not. I'm not going to lie; I cried about this one both yesterday and today. The instructions should have been clearer if it was going to be graded as it was. I did, however, have my attendance, engagement, and understanding acknowledged, and hopefully that will swing my grade up in the end.
The thing I'm having trouble reconciling for myself is that I always identify as a really together person who can do everything. My everything is relative to what I think I can handle, and having to cut back on things that are important to me is the hardest thing I have to do. I'm trying so hard, but it's not always enough. The emotional drawback is that it is leaving me apathetic to everything and just generally sad when I try to stay positive and analytical about my life.
It's also such a huge combination of things, a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I can articulate certain events that have been triggers or effects of this mini meltdown of mine, but I don't know how to talk about why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. It's school, theater, health, nutrition, exhaustion, and being stuck in my own head, leaving me overwhelmed, stressed, sad, and apathetic. I'm ready to just go back to normal.
And I also feel guilty for getting caught up in things that are so small in the grand scheme of things. I mean, there are people dying all over the world from preventable health conditions and here I am kvetching about being sad because I can't handle the combination of things I've taken on. Boo hoo. I'm so thankful to be a privileged university student in the United States instead of a mother of three in a part of a developing nation with no healthcare.
I'm also grateful for my wonderful friends who have sensed that I'm sad. I try not to project it, because being organized and put-together is part of my persona, but I appreciate your concern. I'm being human, this will pass, but while I'm realigning I'm grateful for your hugs.
I have been more balanced this week. I got all my homework done ahead of time, exercised every day, paid attention to my diet, and prioritized the ways I spent my time. I have a feeling that I'll have complete control next week.
I am so not perfect. I never wanted to be perfect. I just somehow managed to do so many things. When my identity as "everything girl" falls apart, I fall apart. I'm still picking up the pieces, but I'd say I'm now a 70% complete jigsaw puzzle. I need a few more days to reclaim who and what I am, but I'll be fine. I just have to get through the sad.
And here's the real important part: why today is awesome. It's bringing me back to optimism. I'm going to do this before bed each night so I can find the good in my days; that's the point of the exercise which started during daily blogs.
Today is awesome because I have caring friends who can tell I'm not myself, and because Falsettos is an amazing production.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Decompressing
This has been a Week.
From after the Dial Up Tour until today, I have been doing things nonstop and everything was entirely overwhelming, out of control, and out of balance. I'm better now.
I got back to campus after the concert, had a very late dinner, and went to sleep, only to wake up early on Saturday to see my parents who were visiting. I met up with them for breakfast, and then my roommate and I took them to see the apartment we want to rent for next year. From there, I showed them my new dorm room, and we met my brother for lunch. After lunch, we spent time together, had a CVS run, and I had a short break to do some homework before meeting them for dinner and taking them to see the show I spent the entire month of January working on. After the show, they went to sleep and I went out with friends.
On Sunday, I had to meet them at 8:30 for breakfast, then I was striking the show from 10AM to 6:15PM. It was exhausting, and I had a meeting to go to afterward. I did manage to edit and print my paper by 8:00, so I was able to go straight to bed after my meeting.
I don't really know how everything spiraled out of control. I had a paper, two exams, and a bibliography due this week in addition to my usual enormous amount of reading. I managed to stay on schedule, but it felt like I was constantly catching up. I did not feel like I had time to do anything but go to class, do homework, eat, and sleep at the expense of taking care of health, fitness, and social life. I was a mess.
On Thursday night, though, I had lengthy conversations with both of my parents, and after much deliberation, I ended up dropping my puppetry class. By doing that, I eliminated a lot of things I would have to do for the upcoming week (which means I would have to do them over the weekend): 65 pages of reading, watch a movie, do a 10-minute report on Edward Gordon Craig, plan the final performance, build a puppet, make a 30-second performance that captures the essence of a clip of music, write a journal, and meet with the professor about the final paper. It was too much stress and work for what was supposed to be a fun elective.
I have just been in an emotional state all week. First I got really stressed about all the work, then I was depressed about having my life out of balance, then I was paralyzed by my perceived lack of control. Dropping puppetry was a moment of decompression and the total release of purging it from my transcript and all four of my calendars left me euphoric. Now I'm just picking up the pieces of what I need to get done, and doing it so that I can go back to being myself; that person who does everything.
I overloaded. I thought I could do it all. But the question, as an adviser told me yesterday, is always "at what cost?" I could have finished the quarter, but I would have given up sleep, time spent on classes for my major, the ability to be with friends, and my health was suffering. It was the right choice, and even though it did feel a little like I was giving up, I did what I had to do.
Today is awesome because I'm regaining control.
From after the Dial Up Tour until today, I have been doing things nonstop and everything was entirely overwhelming, out of control, and out of balance. I'm better now.
I got back to campus after the concert, had a very late dinner, and went to sleep, only to wake up early on Saturday to see my parents who were visiting. I met up with them for breakfast, and then my roommate and I took them to see the apartment we want to rent for next year. From there, I showed them my new dorm room, and we met my brother for lunch. After lunch, we spent time together, had a CVS run, and I had a short break to do some homework before meeting them for dinner and taking them to see the show I spent the entire month of January working on. After the show, they went to sleep and I went out with friends.
On Sunday, I had to meet them at 8:30 for breakfast, then I was striking the show from 10AM to 6:15PM. It was exhausting, and I had a meeting to go to afterward. I did manage to edit and print my paper by 8:00, so I was able to go straight to bed after my meeting.
I don't really know how everything spiraled out of control. I had a paper, two exams, and a bibliography due this week in addition to my usual enormous amount of reading. I managed to stay on schedule, but it felt like I was constantly catching up. I did not feel like I had time to do anything but go to class, do homework, eat, and sleep at the expense of taking care of health, fitness, and social life. I was a mess.
On Thursday night, though, I had lengthy conversations with both of my parents, and after much deliberation, I ended up dropping my puppetry class. By doing that, I eliminated a lot of things I would have to do for the upcoming week (which means I would have to do them over the weekend): 65 pages of reading, watch a movie, do a 10-minute report on Edward Gordon Craig, plan the final performance, build a puppet, make a 30-second performance that captures the essence of a clip of music, write a journal, and meet with the professor about the final paper. It was too much stress and work for what was supposed to be a fun elective.
I have just been in an emotional state all week. First I got really stressed about all the work, then I was depressed about having my life out of balance, then I was paralyzed by my perceived lack of control. Dropping puppetry was a moment of decompression and the total release of purging it from my transcript and all four of my calendars left me euphoric. Now I'm just picking up the pieces of what I need to get done, and doing it so that I can go back to being myself; that person who does everything.
I overloaded. I thought I could do it all. But the question, as an adviser told me yesterday, is always "at what cost?" I could have finished the quarter, but I would have given up sleep, time spent on classes for my major, the ability to be with friends, and my health was suffering. It was the right choice, and even though it did feel a little like I was giving up, I did what I had to do.
Today is awesome because I'm regaining control.
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