Junior Year Mid-Life Crisis

Junior year. Year 3. So much is the same, but it all feels drastically different. I'm in the upper half of my middle years of college. I have to start thinking about what's next. There are a lot of factors that totally freak me out and make me feel old. Here are a few.

During Legally Blonde, a friend of mine said something that is proving truer and truer. The brother of the director graduated my freshman year, and we worked on a few shows together, and thus became friends. He said to me that in junior year I'm going to start realizing that the people who were older than me when I was a n00b aren't actually as cool as I thought they were. That was his phrasing, but as I'm experiencing it, I'm finding that it really means that we become authoritative as we age by virtue of having more experience than the younger students and we have more autonomy as a result. In the moment, I felt like this really applied to how I had freshmen production assistants tape the cables to the ground instead of doing the despised task myself, but it's starting to be more pervasive than that.

The chronologically next manifestation of this "growing up" thing came in my dorm. Since I've done this university thing in this place for three years now, I know the system. I know what is feasible to handle extracurricularly, and I know what to expect from classes and grades. It takes time to figure it out. So, when I was hanging out in public spaces (or with younger people more generally) during midterms and such, they all started telling me about how they're going to fail their classes based on getting Bs and Cs on midterm exams. The thing about midterms is, you base your performance for the rest of the quarter on those grades and they are a small percentage of the final. I once calculated that I was going to get a B in a class and ended up getting an A because of the way intangible factors played into the final grading of the class. My conversations have been a lot of "it's going to be okay."

Also in the dorm, I have friends who are taking on too many extracurricular responsibilities and falling into a vicious cycle of being too busy to sleep and getting sick emotionally and physically as a result. Been there. Now I'm the one coaching others on how to say no to things. (I know; so hypocritical since it is a skill I only mastered this year)

Moving back to the realm of theater, I got an e-mail last week from a freshman who was asking to be my assistant on Wrestlepocalypse this coming May. I met with him, and he really wants to learn lighting. I left the meeting feeling pretty excited about the team I had built for this show, and then didn't think much about it during class. Then, as I was leaving class, I realized that I am now the age that one of my good friends and mentors was when I met him and what if this freshman and I end up working together on tons of stuff and have an awesome friendship as a result and I'm the friend and mentor to him that my friend was to me...Which led me to thinking about how stuff will go in January on the big show and who will take the roles of whom based on how things were when I started. It's just a cycle of thinking about replacing the people I still think of as here and having to be them and it's scary.

Then, finally, the major freak out was when a senior friend called me from another tech week to ask how to set up a tech table in the space. It wasn't so much that someone had a question to ask me, but more who was doing the asking, because this friend is someone I would ask a question of and I never expected her to call me. It was weirdly cool and freaky all at once.

I'm also really getting serious about internship and job research, applications, and interviews, so it's making me realize that I know how to do school well, but after school, I have to learn how to do work well, and that's a whole new game. Sure, I'm gaining transferable skills and whatnot, but it's a whole new game to have to learn the rules to. I'm feeling a little neutral on this one since I've done school for my entire life and am getting ready for the next step. However, I'm also trying to keep myself from having a finish line mentality so I can continue to enjoy school. Feelings. Sigh.

I think everybody always freaks out about their age because each new year brings new responsibilities and challenges and landmarks that you place on others and never yourself until someone else, who is in the position you were one or two years ago, places them on you. And then you freak out. And then you get over it. I'm still working on the getting over it, but it'll be fine. There are ways I can escape the pressures.

Today is awesome because I got to sleep in a bit.

A Confession

All my life I've been pretty low maintenance. A t-shirt and jeans kind of person. Not one to waste time preening and going through twelve steps to look like I haven't done anything. Well, in college I've grown and changed in a number of ways, and one of them is what I deemed extraneous image enhancement. Style has come to be more important to me because as I'm thinking about my imminent departure from the college world and entrance into the "real" world, appearances matter more and my uniform of dark wash jeans and theater production t-shirts no longer make the cut.

So here's my confession: I really like makeup.

Not so earth shattering, I know, but for the throw on some clothes, do tae kwon do every day kind of girl that I am, it's somewhat incongruous to have made such an abrupt transition. Here's the story.

I'm really into YouTube, and this one musician whose vlogs I watch started dating a beauty guru. It took me about a year of seeing her in his videos to finally go to her channel and watch her videos, but I did, and I really liked them. She's a pretty down to earth person, and in one of her videos she says that she didn't get into makeup until after high school and that she wears it because it is a form of self-expression for her and it makes her feel good. (btw, her channel is missglamorazzi and her name is Ingrid)

This changed things for me. I never thought of makeup as self-expression before. It was just that stuff you were supposed to put on your face for special occasions because it was an extra step in the day. Her videos also explained to me what different the products are and how to use them, and they gave me ideas for my own look.

After getting home from studying abroad (where I completely ran out of the small amount of makeup I did take with me), I got to do a little shopping to replenish, but I brought ideas from Ingrid's videos with me. Since then, it even took a couple months to really get into the pattern of putting on more makeup than my usual every day. (Since high school I'd use a Cover Girl foundation because it was easy and some mascara, maybe eye liner) There was one morning after school started again that I naturally woke up a little extra early and spent that additional time putting on eye shadow, and I felt especially good the rest of the day. It made a difference that I never expected it to.

Now, I'm really literate about makeup. I know what the products are, which brands are good at what, and where to get things. I like trying new products and colors and finding things that work. I like playing with how different elements of makeup can change which features are emphasized and how an entire outfit looks.

I've been reluctant to share my new interest with friends/the world because I don't want to be perceived as a vain, ditzy person. That's not to say that people who like makeup are vain or ditzy, it's just that I'd always felt I had better things to do than take the time to put on more than two or three steps of makeup in the morning. The thing is, I'm still me whether I wear makeup or not, and it's all about expressing myself and deciding what feels right day to day. It doesn't change who I am; my head is still full of academic facts and fandom facts, I just have makeup facts in there, too.

So, yes, I am wearing makeup. And if you ask me about it, I can give you a fuller rundown of what each product is and how I applied it than you'd ever want to hear (unless you do). I think it's fun, I like trying new things, and the colors are pretty.

Today is awesome because I got to walk around in the sunshine.

Bring Back the Couches!!

I just had a really great night. I saw the open dress of a really funny play while sitting with theater friends. I then went to the birthday celebration of one of my best friends. It was fantastic. I really like spending time with these people.

I usually get to do so more often.

Until this school year, our student center has had couches as part of the seating on the ground floor that has a food court. This year, some of our retail food offerings have been in the process of being converted to one single provider with many stations of food. This had converted part of the space into a construction site and changed the dynamic of the entire ground floor. The couches are gone.

Without the couches, my group of friends (yes, theater friends) do not have a place to casually congregate. None of the couch regulars even go to the student center any more (I've polled them) because there is no place to sit, no way to gather. I never see them except at specific events, and I don't know what's going on in their lives. This has never been a question before. It shouldn't be special to know what's up with your friends.

We tried the tables at the very beginning of the year, but there are problems. First of all, they're just plain uncomfortable. Tall tables. Second of all, you have to choose a table to sit at. This is particularly difficult when you have friends at multiple tables and you have to choose who you want to spend time with at that moment. In previous years, tables indicated that you were in a meeting or doing serious homework, and now I can't tell. With all of these factors, there's just no reason to go.

Without incentive to go to a common space, I also haven't met any new students or new members of the theater community. When they figure out where to go to be around people, they become part of the group much faster, and since there's now no way for this to happen, I just don't know anyone and it makes me sad. I remember discovering the couches in my freshman year and making friends there, and now that just can't happen. 

Spending a few hours in the company of people I expect to see regularly but don't actually made me really miss seeing them regularly. I want to make this work, but the thing about running into each other in a neutral space without making plans is that it takes the pressure off the interaction. When you make plans, there's an expectation of doing something or having some sort of serious conversation, but all I want to do is chat about nothing and just know that they're alive and well (or not as the case may be).

I miss my friends. I miss the social life that these couches fostered. I just want to be able to run into these awesome people again. I never thought that a piece of furniture could have such an impact on a community.

Today is awesome because I got to be with awesome friends whose company makes me happy.

Legally Tech

I worked on a production of Legally Blonde (the musical) this week. Master Electrician, the usual deal. This tech week was more soul-killing than usual, but after seeing the show, it feels worthwhile. Here's the breakdown:

Sunday night I returned from a weekend trip home for a family event. I'll write about that in another post when I can actually reflect and gather my thoughts; there just hasn't been time this week.

Monday was the crazy ME day. It was also my "I have too many things at the same time" day. We got to the space at 8AM and waited for the call regarding our lights delivery. There was coffee in the meantime, thank goodness. By 9:45 we were finally ready to start hanging, but I had to go to class. One hour of class, then three hours of work. Then another three hours of class followed by two hours of work. Then a mock interview. Then another four hours of work. It was a very long day. In my role, I only ended up hanging and cabling the six lights on a bit of truss that sat on the very front of the stage, but I had a whole lot more to manage. I had to give other people jobs. I had to fix that work when it was done incorrectly (somebody hung lights with the cords still wrapped around the body of the instrument. I mean, really). I had to make sure all the things that needed addresses had addresses before they were out of reach, and then I had to patch the instruments to the board. This was a more difficult endeavor than I thought it would be because some of the lights didn't turn on, I didn't remember all of the syntax initially, and most of the fancy bits had to be patched something like five separate times just so it would all work.

Tuesday was less crazy but still long. It was our designer's programming day, but things were still being fussy with the patch, so it didn't go as smoothly as planned. When everything was finally working, I had a lunch and a class to go to, and then I spent the entire evening in the space.

Wednesday was a little different. I only went in for about an hour, but it was not my favorite thing. I got a call around 1:00 when I was on my way to class that a light wouldn't turn on. This light was in the cove, access to which involves crawling through the ceiling in a really tiny and dirty crawlspace, and I hate it. So I went and fixed it, and then since they were just running twice, I went home and was on call. I needed the evening off.

I didn't go to do work or to opening on Thursday. I'm now two for two this school year on missing opening performances because I was tired. Oh, well.

I think what made this week so rough was that we had restricted hours in the space, an ENORMOUS show to put together, a ton of work to do, and a lot of stress to get it done. My job went smoothly, but everybody else's stress affected me to the point where I got super stressed as well. On top of it, Monday was the day of the most things for me, so I had my own stress from running around all day. I also felt a little guilty for not being able to be there during the peak work hours all the time, but that always happens, and school is the priority. This time around, because of the stress, I just felt very disconnected from my life and my goals and everything is on a to-do list for next week, and I just want a break. Since it is my last show for the quarter, I can recharge after strike, so that's good. And Thanksgiving is remarkably soon, so there's also that time off.

As for the show itself? It's awesome. The cast is so talented, the designers came through and did wonderful work despite the stress, and the writing is just really funny. I never stop laughing for the entire performance. It is fully aware of how silly it is, and then it makes jokes about it, and it's fantastic. Finally seeing the finished product with a packed house and happy audience makes it all worthwhile.

While I was at the show on Friday, I had a couple conversations that were fairly ordinary but meant a lot because the words came from those specific people. Before I could see the show, I had a leadership commitment that was supposed to be covered by my co-leader, but there was a death in her family, so I had to be there anyway, and it was just one extra thing to add to my week. A friend who was in the building for another reason gave me hugs and a pep talk that really helped get me through that task, even though I still left feeling like Buffy in "Once More With Feeling."

At the show itself, an alumnus told me that I was at the point when I would realize that the seniors who mentored me as a freshman aren't actually as cool as I thought they were and that the freshmen are going to start seeing me that way, and it was kind of a passing of the torch, you're more of a real person moment. He also asked me about some of the specifics of the lighting instruments and I knew all the answers, which was really full circle because he's the one who helped me out back when I couldn't read a light plot.

The next mini conversation was with one of the actors. I never really knew if he actually knew who I was because in lighting, you get to know all the actors' names but to them you're just that person at the tech table who keeps stopping the show, so I didn't know if we'd bridged that gap. We realized that we had worked on a lot of shows together (I think of the six quarters I've done theater, he's been in four of them, so that is actually a lot). He told me he thought I had been a senior last year, and that was pretty cool. I've never been mistaken for a senior before.

Finally, a friend with really unique and awesome fashion sense complimented my outfit. Just a little icing on a good night.

Today is awesome because the show is great and I'm making my way out of my slump.