In this last week of Junior year, I've been imagining the future a lot. I realized that this is my last week to see a lot of friends before our lives change forever yet again, and it really got me down, so I tried to figure out why it feels so different this time.
First of all, I noticed that in my friend groups, I tend to either be "the old one" or "the young one." This dynamic has never bothered me because I don't think age really matters when nobody is a significant number of years older or younger, but now that so many of my friends are no longer in school, I look forward and understand "the real world" more through their eyes. I have plans forming for my transition from school to post-graduate adulthood, but being "the young one" stands out more now that there is the divide caused by graduation (or lack thereof). Being "the old one" is also more pronounced for me because I have my eyes on the finish line rather than the dramas of college life that once seemed important but now feel small.
I was talking about this with one of my friends, and her theory is that my experiences outside of campus life are what changed things for me. After studying abroad last summer, I came back with a whole new set of experiences and stories, a new perspective on the world (particularly developing nations), and a new kind of independence. It made me think more globally about problems outside of my campus/city/state/nation, and I became more focused on my goals in the direction of a career in public health. The other key experience was my internship this past winter. I exited college life and entered working life for three months, complete with a morning commute, lunch break, security badge, and e-mail stream. This also made me more career-minded, but also awakened me to the issues in my immediate community that campus life had let me ignore for the previous two years.
Having these tastes of what life will be without college diminished the dramas of college life. When I have to deal with bureaucratic nonsense while registering for classes or the politics of student theater, I remember the things that really mattered while I was outside of the drama, and it all feels trivial though simultaneously important. Locally huge but globally small. I've also realized that my perception of my senior friends is that they were still engaged in the college stuff til the very end, while I feel like I'm phasing out early. I wonder if they really were as invested as they seemed. This all feeds back into the young/old dynamic because I feel like I'm in an awkwardly liminal space between age causing a divide and age not mattering. I am so ready for age not to matter.
While engaging in the nostalgia of imagining the future, I am nervous about the social dynamics of living in a dorm next year. It is uncommon on my campus to be in a dorm as a senior, but since I don't want to set up an apartment twice in one year (I'm lazy), and I'm experiencing a strange combination of not wanting to live alone or with people, a single in my res college was the only solution (especially since the rooms will be so nice after this summer's renovations). However, I've lost interest in many of the activities that were great when I was a freshman/sophomore, and I fear that living with a group of people who are mostly 2-3 years younger than me and deeply engaged in campus life is going to be weird while I'm working out what comes next and phasing out of campus life.
The age line makes me feel like I always have to prove that I'm cool enough to be worth it for older people to hang out with or desirable for younger people to want to know me. I know that I have friends when the age line goes away and we just exist together, but it takes a while for me to stop questioning if it's weird to be with a certain group or randomly text a given friend. I'm insecure. Whatever. I never claimed to be cool.
And speaking of social dynamics, I will always be "the old one" on campus next year because there are literally no undergrads older than the seniors. Somehow, this makes being "the young one" even harder because I'll be one step away, literally months or weeks, from that next stage of life.
While hanging out with a mixed group at the Wrestlepocalypse cast party, one of my undergrad friends wanted to complain about some political drama in the theater community. I was able to engage in that conversation, though I'm losing interest in the drama due to phasing out of that community as the younger generation is taking over. One alumnus in the room ostentatiously brought up the subject of a morning commute to highlight the triviality of theater politics. In that moment when I could shift gears from talking about something in undergrad life to understanding the complaint from post-grad life (and I did join in by complaining about the mother who never disciplined her child on the bus while I was riding to my internship), I really felt like I was hitting a transition point in my life.
I still have one more year of school. I want to enjoy that year. I also want there to be something on the other side. I'm ready to let go of the petty dramas and figure out what's next, but the things that are globally small but locally huge still matter for one more year. It really doesn't help that so many of my friends are older and gone. At this point, some of these friends who had stayed in the city are moving away to pursue new opportunities, and just knowing that they're not going to be nearby anymore is bumming me out.
I'm not ready to be the institutional living memory of my friends, their accomplishments, and our shared experiences.
I am a very resilient person. I adapt easily once a situation is finalized, but the phasing out period is so difficult for me. Knowing that there is an impending transition places me in a strange mood that really only re-equalizes to my standard level of contentment once the change happens.
I'm going to try to stick my resolution to be better at staying in touch with friends. Not in a way that neglects the friends who are still here (and there are some fantastic people one and two years younger than me who I look forward to hanging out with), but in a way that maintains these friendships that have mattered to me over the last few years. I want to be better, so I'm going to be better.
I realize that this post is a little jumbled, but I think it reflects the thoughts and feelings I'm having as the social dynamics of my college life are changing. I know that I'm focusing on the sad parts of the future rather than the awesome parts (like being the master electrician for Dolphin or hitting the 120 hour club at Dance Marathon or writing my senior thesis), but it's on my mind as I begin saying my good-byes.
Basically, I love my friends, I'm struggling with figuring out how I fit without them here, and I have things to look forward to that will lift me up while I live out this transition. I'll be fine; it's just weird right now as I realize how much I'm going to miss everyone who's leaving.
Today is awesome because I verbalized and externalized my emotional state. I believe if I can name something intangible I can control it better, so now I am in control of my formerly runaway feelings.
I enjoyed this post. It is interesting, as some people milk the college experience right up until the end, and in some cases (i.e. me), past the end (as a grad student :)).
ReplyDeleteIt's refreshing to see a perspective that goes beyond college while still with a year or more to go.