Really Interesting Internship Week

I feel the need to write about what I did at my internship this week because it was pretty awesome. I would say that I spent maybe two hours at my desk this week. The rest of the time was spent in meetings and it was fascinating.

On Monday, I first attended a meeting from the development division about how to approach talking about philanthropy, then I began my time shadowing meetings with the Consul General of Israel. I had three of those in a row: the first was with the Hispanic Alliance, then with Senator Sherrod Brown's staff, and finally with Congresswoman Marcia Fudge's staff. When I got back to the office after those meetings, I then went to an all staff event with an influential member of our community. Then I got to go to tae kwon do class.

Tuesday was the longest of days. At 7:45AM, I had the first meeting of the day with the Jewish-Evangelical dialogue group. Immediately following was the meeting with the professional and volunteer leaders of the Gay Games. That was followed by a Division of International Operations meeting where I reported about my projects. After lunch, I attended the meeting with the Coalition of African American Organizations. I then got to wrap up my day and leave (while it was raining), only to return a few hours later to go to a meeting of Interfaith Community Organizers. It was a very long couple of days.

Wednesday was much more normal. It began with a meeting of the Volunteer Network Task Force, where I reported to the committee about the work I've been doing with the soup kitchens all summer. That meeting was followed by a meeting of the interns to work on our intern project, and then we had lunch and a walk outside. After lunch, I had the External Affairs department meeting, where everybody reported about the things they've been working on. Since I've been the intern for everyone, I was very involved with many of the projects and it was cool to be able to list off all the things I've been doing. The head of the department wants me to shadow more meetings in the last two weeks of work, so that's super awesome because it's the most interesting part. I wrapped up my day by handing off one of my projects to a supervisor for editing, and then got to leave and go to the pool for my swim (even though it was super cold for summer, especially contrasted with the extreme heat of the previous week). Wednesday evening was a social event, and I enjoyed spending time with friends at an outdoor concert.

Thursday was a little off the record. I ended up taking care of an allergic reaction most of the day, but I did meet up with a friend for lunch, and that was particularly awesome. The end of the day was spent at work because the board was meeting and the interns had to be introduced. It was an interesting meeting, but I have to say the dynamics in the room were far more interesting than the actual content of the meeting. I loved watching the note passing and whispering that went on to manage the time so they could fit in the things they needed to do at the meeting.

Friday was also fairly busy. I had an interesting conversation with my supervisor when I went over to say good morning. He had not noticed that the third board chair of the entire organization was a woman, and we took a field trip to the portraits to prove it. Her term was 1927-1930 and she is listed in her husband's name, and I am so fascinated by her. I want to know her story. I got my final clarification/instructions for the teen program project I've been working on, then had my real check-in with my supervisor. I don't think we've had one of those in about two weeks, and he gave me another project to wrap up in my last two weeks. I got to leave at noon because of the amount of time I spent at work earlier in the week, and I got to go to the pool and bake bread in the afternoon.

It was a super busy but super interesting week. I can't believe the amazing opportunities I have at this internship and that it's almost over. With the end of the job, I have one week off before traveling for two weeks. Then it'll be three weeks at home littered with holidays and back to school. This last part is going so fast.

All in all, I've had a pretty awesome summer. I had an incredible 9-week internship, worked on my senior thesis, attended a number of social events, a baseball game, a few concerts, the medieval faire, got my second degree black belt, and saw friends. I'm looking forward to my travels and more time with family for the holidays. It'll be fun to go back to school, but I've actually enjoyed being home. I've been busy, which made it good to be here.

Today is awesome because I get to slow down on the weekend.

E Dan Promotion Part 2

I am a Second Degree Black Belt. That is such a thing. I am so happy and proud and thankful for all of the people who have supported me along the way. This promotion has been in the making since the summer of 2009, the year before I tested for First Degree, when things started getting serious for me in martial arts, and I am so proud to have reached this milestone.

The second part of the test consisted of one step sparring, breakfalling, ten judo throws, five knife defense techniques, two sparring matches, my breaking routine, the spirit test, and actually getting my belt. It was a good night and it went really well.

Testing during the heat wave of 2013 will always be a story. It was so hot and humid. I don't know how we all got through it. I drank an entire bottle of water and an entire bottle of propel. The humidity messed with our boards, and the air was just so thick by the end. It was crazy.

I got to the dojang an hour and a half early to get settled and warmed up. A little less than an hour before start time, people started trickling in, and I took off my headphones to talk to fellow martial artists. When it was time to start, I kind of felt like it snuck up on us, but in a good way because I wasn't harping on nerves or giving myself a chance to notice time.

We bowed into class then Master Ted spoke about the theses (mine got a special mention for being a favorite) and then each promotion candidate individually. Then we immediately went into the one steps. One step sparring is 40 defense techniques against a straight punch to the chin. I demonstrated all of the techniques with my partner, then the partners were sent away for us to do randoms, then we got back with our partners to do more with an opponent. It went well. I was prepared.

After one steps, he sent us to hydrate, and then we demonstrated our break falls in groups of two. It was fine; nothing out of the ordinary. Then we went into demonstrating our judo throws, also in groups of two (plus partners). I was in the first demonstration group, and my judo went well. I got all my throws, even the ones Master Ted asked me to do a variation of in which the throw ends with me on one knee instead of on my feet. I got the grips, too.

Following my hydration break while the rest of the group did their judo, I was first for weapons defense demonstration. My knife techniques were good, they went as practiced, and the only real critique I got was that I needed to kihap and scream more to elevate the emotional content of the performance. One of the masters said I blocked too early on one technique, but that's an easy fix. I am very proud of the years of work that went into that demonstration and so grateful to my instructor for working with me through all the hours of me making my uncomfortable face. It paid off tonight.

When I was done with knife, I got to sit and hydrate while getting my sparring gear on. I haven't worn my gear since March of 2011, so that was interesting. I had to refit my mouth guard over the weekend because I stopped wearing my retainers since the last time I sized it. I found that amusing in a sad/ironic sort of way. Anyhow, I only had two sparring matches and I think both of them were good. I got two head shots in the first round and he didn't score on me, and the second round was my favorite because I scored with a turning roundhouse kick to the head. It's kind of become my secret weapon/signature move, and it was my party goal to whip it out during this part of the test. Especially compared to the sparring at my last test, when I ate two powerful head shots, this was awesome.

Sparring was followed by breaking. I was third to break, and I honestly was so focused on my own test that I didn't really pay much attention to anyone else's breaking until the very end. My breaking went quite well. I got 7/10 breaks, which, considering the humidity, is pretty darn good. I am surprised that the three I didn't get didn't work, but I'm just going to blame the weather for that and not harp on it too much. I got my first two techniques really easily. The first was a two board skipping side kick, and the second was a knife hand strike. Then I missed my inverted knife and my stepping turning back kick (which I have never missed and I'm truly shocked that it didn't work). I got both of my double board elbow strikes (one with each elbow, one horizontal, one descending. The horizontal mimicked a technique in my knife defense, so it really showed how I can smash an attacker's face), missed my two board hopping front kick, and nailed my bottom fist strike. The last two techniques were flashy and awesome and perfect. I did a floating palm strike, which is a break where I hold the edge of the board and then break it with the palm of my hand. It is challenging, requires a ton of snap, and took me a few days of thumping on a piece of wood while I was sitting around the camp office to be able to do in the first place. I was so happy that one landed because it was the one that needed to be awesome for my routine to reach its full potential. I finished the routine with a two board flying axe kick. It was awesome. As I was cleaning up, Master Ted specifically came over to me at my bag in the corner to say that the floating palm was well done, and that was very nice.

Once the breaking was over and we cleaned up, the instructors returned from their conference to talk to us about the test. They wanted more spirit through kihap, which is a pretty standard request, and then we had our sprit test to get our belts. They set up this board and place our belts underneath boards for breaking that are set on top of cinderblocks. I had to do a two board descending palm strike to reach my belt, and I nailed it. Master Tina was practically waving her arms above her head to catch my eye and indicate that I did a good job. I was happy to have that moment with her.

To conclude, Sabumnim Melissa tied my belt on me, Master Ted said "you did it!" to me in a very excited manner, we bowed out, and then had hugs and pictures. It was so surreal to finally reach that moment of earning my new rank and having the test be over since I've been planning it literally for a year. I left the dojang feeling happy and loved.

I would be remiss if I did not shout out all the people who helped me get to this point. This may seem like just a list of names, but I'm trying to protect people's privacy. If you're here, you know what you did, and I just want to thank you again for supporting me above and beyond my wildest expectations. Melissa, Laurene, Squish, Grant, Murph, Ted, Tina, TJ, Maria.

Today is awesome I am officially a Second Degree Black Belt!!!!!

E Dan (Second Degree) Thesis

Below is the thesis I turned in as part of my promotion test for second degree black belt. This is usually a very personal document, but I wanted to share it because so much of it was possible to write because of the things I had previously written here about why Tae Kwon Do is so important to me.  

I want to use this thesis as an opportunity to be reflective about the three years since my last promotion as well as the entirety of my training. Where my first degree served as a capstone in my high school career, this second degree promotion is the same for my college years. At the end of my first quarter of college, I began keeping a journal. Since December of 2010, I have written about Tae Kwon Do in 20% of my entries. Sometimes, all I say is that training made my day awesome; other times, it is the topic of the entire entry. I’d like to share a few excerpts here:

“Tae Kwon Do has been a pretty big part of my life since my sophomore year of high school. It was the first sport I was really able to stick with because there was no external pressure or expectations I had to meet or exceed. It's all about my personal journey and interactions with the school community, not what a coach wants me to be doing. I really needed, and still need, an outlet where I can be my own person, set my own goals, and still be part of a strong community.

I cannot even begin to explain the types of friendships I have formed in the dojang. There's a certain type of trust one needs to share with his/her training partners, and that leads to conversations about what you're doing, which lead to conversations about life, and soon enough you have made a friend in a person you otherwise never would have met. ” (July 2011)

“[Master Ted] said that it takes a special kind of person to spend their school breaks sweating and fighting back at the old tae kwon do school, but really, it takes a special school to draw me back whenever I get the chance.” (December 2011)

“Tae Kwon Do is always an amazing thing to come home to. My school has a really fantastic community, and I am always happy to return to those friends. No matter how long I'm gone or what I've forgotten, they are always supportive and cheerful and make me feel welcome and appreciated. There are few places where you can find such a special group, and I've loved my time with them this summer. I especially turn to this group now that I'm in an official countdown to my second degree promotion test, and they're helping me drill my stuff while I'm home to be able to practice while I'm away. This activity is more than just a sport that I do; it's an art, a community, a philosophy, and the thing that I look forward to when I am unoccupied.”  (September 2012)

“Tae Kwon Do is something that's really important to me for the physical, intellectual, philosophical, and social elements it combines. I have an instructor who once said that ‘martial arts can't help but show who you really are,’ and I like the me that I am when I train. Training has helped me create that self, and I could not have that construction without the influence of my peers. It is very meaningful in my life, and I would not trade it for anything.” (December 2012)

Going through my journal to find things I’ve written about Tae Kwon Do has shown me the kind of journey I’ve had these last three years. Returning to T&T has been a significant part of what it means for me to come home from college, and that sense of belonging is what has inspired me to keep training, even on my own, and want to work for this second black belt test.

The journey to my second degree has been the complete opposite of the path to my first degree. Leading up to this test, I have spent three years at university, two months in China, broken my hand, learned theater lighting, gotten internships, and become more independent as a young adult. When I was in high school, it was easy for Tae Kwon Do to be my thing; now, it is one of my things rather than the activity I can devote the majority of my time to. That said, Tae Kwon Do has still been at the top of the list of things that are important to me. My go-to fun fact about myself when doing ice breaker games (and those happen a lot in college) is that I am a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. My training has been an inspiration to me as I do other things, academic or artistic. I vividly remember a day this past year when I was striking a show: I was very tired, and the last thing we had to do was move the weighted bases we put the poles into to hold up the lights. I literally said out loud, “indomitable spirit! I am a black belt! I can do this!” as I lifted boom base after boom base until the task was done. It was a little silly, but that’s what it took to get the job done. 

I think that there are two things that stand out the most to me as I go through this testing process that are different from the last time. The first is that I had a serious injury while I was at school. I broke my hand and it was out of commission entirely, immobilized in a splint, for six weeks. During that time, I lost all range of motion and strength in that wrist, and it took a very long time for it to stop causing me pain on a regular basis. The injury was as mental as it was physical. During the winter break while I was recovering, I wrote, “It's been tough to be in TKD with the hand recovery. I don't like being limited, but I'm not risking re-injury because the last three months of dealing with this one have really stunk.” Having to deal with a true physical limitation is difficult for me as I go through this test because I know that I need to be nice to my body and it makes me more cautious about pushing my limits. 

The other major variation from my last test is the amount of in-school training I have had. Last time, I was in the dojang six days a week, sometimes twice a day, for a solid month before my test started. It made me feel prepared and confident because I had practiced as much as I possibly could and gotten feedback on my performance. This time, I have only had a few weeks in Cleveland to finish my training in preparation for this test. True, I have practiced forms and one-steps on my own, maintained my basic techniques and knowledge, and stayed physically fit while away, but knowing that I haven’t had as many classes is causing me to be a lot more nervous for this test when compared with the last one. I am confident that I know my materialand can pass the test; the question for me is how proud I will feel at the end because I want to feel good about how I did and not just slip past to earn the rank. Luckily, things have clicked for me mentally, but it was extremely nerve-wracking to be unsure of myself until the last week before the test.

My instructors have taught me so much more than simply how to do forms and one-steps. They have demonstrated how to be accepting, supportive, and encouraging people, and they never fail to force me to push my boundaries. As a result of interacting with them, I have learned to be the type of person who exhibits these same character qualities, and I am better able to face challenges as a result of rising to meet theirs. 

To conclude, I would like to address the question of why I teach when called upon to do so. I have found that I, and others, teach the way that they learned. I try to be accurate, descriptive, constructive, and kind as I help other students with their techniques. It is an honor to be asked to teach another student because an instructor would not put that kind of responsibility on me if they did not think that I was a reliable source of information and proficient in both the technique I am teaching and my ability to communicate. The moment I see that a student understands something for the first time or understands it better because of my instruction is an unbelievably rewarding experience. I like helping people and sharing the things that I love with others who are equally passionate, so aiding the arrival of that lightbulb moment is very rewarding for me and the reason I like to teach. 

I think it is clear from my writings, musings, thoughts, and actions that Tae Kwon Do is a significant part of my life. I am now looking toward my senior year of college, and after that I do not know what comes next. Despite that uncertainty, I know that I will be okay, and that my Tae Kwon Do journey has taught me many ways to overcome challenges. Tae Kwon Do has helped me become more resilient, and the ways that training has shaped me as a person help me to achieve both in and out of the dojang. 

Today is awesome because there is just one more part of my test! 

E Dan Test Part 1

Now that it's been a full day, I can think about it, process it, and I've seen the video footage and gotten some feedback. The first part of my test went well. I'm putting a lot of mental weight on two mistakes that nobody else saw, but it was a good test. Here's the rundown. (this is not my best prose, but I'm tired)

We started with sit ups, then judo push ups, then push ups. We did a lot of that kind of stuff to start. It wasn't awful. I think my cold/cough from the end of the school year really contributed to my abdominal strength.

We demonstrated flexibility by doing certain stretches. I was the most flexible (by report/vido) and apparently that made me stand out. Cool.

We did some more calisthenics. I was called out for doing a certain type of sit up correctly, which incidentally made me have an extra set of them. It was lying on your back, legs straight up in the air (90 degrees), and crunch up to touch toes. Not terrible.

This was followed by a demonstration of basic techniques. We punched, blocked, and kicked for a while.

We started with forms. All six candidates did a pretty rapid fire ki bon cho dan through pal gue pal jang (first 9 forms you learn) and that was good. Then we had a water break and the two adults in their 50s were sent to the side while the rest of us did some upper level forms. This was when things got a little mentally rough for me. The asked for a re-do of one that I was setting the pace for, and my first performance was awesome (judged by video), but I was thinking about the panel's comments so much that I blanked on a move and messed up that one spot. Incorrect hand technique. Then we did the last form for the junior cho dan candidate, and I blanked on a stance in that one, so that felt bad. Then I finished the form really strong. Nobody seems to have noticed my mistakes but me, but that doesn't mean they didn't exist, and I wish I hadn't gotten so mentally messed up. I need to tune everything out next week, even the panel's comments, so I can do everything the way I've practiced. I can get feedback after the test; it's not like I'm going anywhere. Next, we did the rest of the upper level forms.

After we finished with forms, we were called out for a final fitness test. We had to do push ups until we were either unable to do them or we were told to be done. I was mandated to be finished after two rounds. The real test was for the 50-year-old candidate for third degree, who had to do a bajillion push ups of various types, speeds, and challenges. There was a point when he had to hit an instructors hand that was flat on the ground with his chest and then explode off the ground to hit a second instructor's hand that was slightly above his fully extended position. It was an amazing sight to see, and he deserved the applause he got.

Then we talked with our examiners, bowed out, and the test was over. I was congratulated by friends after it ended.

Now the reflections. Objectively, I did well. Out of the entire test, I made two mistakes. I feel bad about them because I know better, but I'll find a way to make peace with it. I knew going in that there was going to be psychological warfare, and that's what had left me nauseated with anxiety all week, and it got to me halfway through the test. Then I got control of my mind again, but it was bad. After watching the video, I realize that the panel talked a lot. Like, out of an hour of footage, I think I have 10-20 minutes of action. There is a lot of me standing while masters are talking. Seeing that today makes me frustrated about how that went yesterday. Time to forget the last pitch and get ready for next week.

I think because I am a perfectionist and overachiever by nature, knowing that I made mistakes is inherently going to bother me, but after hearing from respected friends and instructors that I did well and nobody noticed my mistakes but me, I am deciding that it was a good test.

Cool things that happened before/during/after. Before, I got there super early to warm up. I was in my uniform pants and white t-shirt, but I put on a hoodie and listened to music, and I felt like an olympic gymnast. It did the trick, though, and got me sufficiently pumped to do the test. When the third degree candidate was leading warm ups, he did some advising/pep talking, and it was really good. I think it helped us become a testing class rather than a bunch of people who were testing. I appreciated him. He was in my last test. My closest instructor did my grading, and that was awesome. Like, really really awesome. My parents were there and really supportive. This isn't cool, but Master Ted gave the speech about how goal-oriented I was when I started training in high school. The story is losing its punch now that it's so old, but it's his thing about me, so whatever. I think he should have a new story by now.

I've already been working toward part 2. It's a bit more piecemeal, but all the components are coming together. It's going to be great. (That's my go-to positive thinking phrase, but if I say it, it usually comes to pass, so, yes, it is going to be great).

Today is awesome because of training and having lunch with Avery and ice cream.

FBI, Federal Court, and More on the Offsite Internship Day

As a work day for my internship, we had an off-site day downtown. The director of community-wide security is a retired FBI agent, and he arranged some tours and meetings for us. We started our day at the FBI regional office. He knows everybody there after spending the majority of his career with them, so it was super cool to see him in that setting. The Bureau provided an escort for our tour, but our colleague really took the lead. After pointing out the memorial to the 50 FBI Agents who were killed while serving, he had us look at the patio of their break room, then showed us where his old squad sits, and pointed out the posters on the wall that had information about gangs and a photo spread of an arrest that he helped make. It was a case of two guys robbing armored vehicles, and the final shootout was a major event.

From there, we saw the training gym, then went upstairs to see the arms locker. He led us in there and talked a little about the weapons program, then opened the cabinet that contained the Thompson machine gun (the famous tommy gun) as if he were pulling peanut butter out of a kitchen cupboard, handed it to us and said to pass it around. It is SUPER heavy! I still can’t believe I held that weapon. When the agent in charge of the weapons program walked in, he just casually took the gun away from us and gave us a little history on the program. It was really interesting. I did experience some cognitive dissonance holding the gun as a person who has worked in violence prevention, but since it was for trained agents, I rationalized the necessity of the weapons. It was actually pretty cool.

From the arms locker, we went up one more floor to meet the Special Agent in Charge of the office. The lead agent for civil rights crimes was also in that conversation. He was a pretty cool guy, and his two messages were (1) that anyone can become an agent and it’s never too late; and (2) the FBI does a lot and our city is a great place to live. It was really interesting to talk to them and very special that they took time for us. On the way back to the elevator, our colleague brought us into the room where they run operations and monitor cases when stuff is happening both locally and nationally. It was pretty much what it looks like on TV, but less shiny. Knowing the kind of work that was done in that room made it really extra neat to be visiting.

We thought we were concluding our tour as we browsed the gift shop, but then the agent who runs the crime scene unit asked if he could show us the trailers. So, down we went, into the garage, past the FBI Jeep/Tank vehicle, to the two trailers that have all the equipment for investigating crime scenes. One trailer is for recovering human remains, and the other has stuff for the rest of a crime scene. He showed us the way they gather scents for when they use dogs and the way they test for blood on walls with lights and liquids and swabs. Then he told us a story about setting up crime scene training in a house they were about to tear down using real blood from the medical examiners office. That was a bit much, but still interesting to hear about.

After that, we were ushered out to the street in order to make our way to the federal courthouse. There was a program with one of the judges who is involved with my organization in a volunteer capacity, and I know him personally through a number of institutional and familial connections. We were a little bit late, but when we got there he was speaking about being a judge, practicing law, and practicing law in this city. Then a younger lawyer spoke about working here, and then we watched a sentencing. It was a very emotional proceeding and I felt a little intrusive, but it is always fascinating to see the judge make a decision. He was advised, upon his appointment, to practice with both justice and mercy in mind, and knowing that story, I think he accomplished those two goals.

After the sentencing, he took some questions, then we posed for a picture, and he brought us through his chambers. I ended up being the last one out of his office, and we chatted a little bit. At that point, it was time for lunch, and the boxed lunches were surprisingly good! These types of things usually have tasteless produce and a bunch of things I don’t like to eat or don’t want to eat, but I actually liked everything in my lunch.

From the courtroom, we went to a lower floor in the building to talk with the US Attorney. He told us about the types of cases they take and we heard about a few of the bigger ones that the office prosecuted. When he asked for questions, I had been scripted to ask about violence prevention initiatives, and I’m really glad I asked. There’s a lot going on here in that field in fields ranging from law enforcement to public health. His First Assistant US Attorney went to my university for both undergrad and law school, so I stopped her afterward to ask about moving from the city where school is to my hometown and what that was like for her. It was a great conversation to have, and I’m glad I asked.

Our last stop of the day was to go to a trendy area and visit an old fashioned soda shop for local ice cream. I split a sundae with my friend and fellow intern and it was coffee ice cream, hot fudge, toffee, nuts, whipped cream, a cherry on top, and a pretzel on the spoon. It was so good, and a fantastic end to an amazing day!

Today is awesome because of veggie burgers and my mom.

First Month of Summer 2013

It’s already been a month! Four weeks into my internship, and the time has flown. I came straight from school into work without a day off. I missed finals week and even had to e-mail a paper in from home. It was weird. Now that I’m into the internship, and it’s going really well, I am somehow reaching the program’s halfway point. The finish line is in sight for most of my projects, and it’s been a great work experience so far.

Other things I’ve done since coming home...I went to a number of social events organized by one of the other interns that were pretty fun. I saw friends, went to an art fair and a baseball game, had some family dinners, and did a bit of shopping. I would say that I have explored significantly more areas of the city I grew up in on this visit than I usually do. I’ve also been swimming at the outdoor pool, which is my favorite part of summer.

I’m getting into listening to music again as I drive. Bands I now like are WALK THE MOON (who I heard at Dillo Day then bought their album) and Imagine Dragons. There’s just something I like about that indie-rock-electronic-not-quite-in-a-defined-genre sound. I’m also watching TV again, following Perception, Rizzoli and Isles, and Royal Pains, while enjoying reruns of shows like Castle that the channels marathon regularly. I’m reading a book called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and The Bling Ring (concurrently). I have a copy of the new David Sedaris book to read next as recommended by YouTuber Tyler Oakley. That about covers media.

So, other than work and social time, I’ve been doing a fair amount of Tae Kwon Do (and by that I mean a lot of TKD). I am preparing for my second degree black belt test, which is in 5 days (eep!), so that’s been a major thing on my mind. I’ve been going to classes on Mondays and Saturdays and working very hard to be ready. I didn’t feel like I could actually do the test well until this past week, so I’m gaining confidence just in time. I still have to practice some more and figure who I’m going to do one-steps with, but I’ll be ready and it’ll be great. I have even driven to the martial arts supply warehouse to pick up my boards. I’m getting both nervous and excited about the test. For me the question is not so much if I’ll pass, but how I’ll pass, and I want to finish knowing I’ve done everything I could to do well. I want to be proud of my work and be able to smile as I tell the story. I hope I’m being harsher on myself than anyone else will be on me, but just in case my standards are accurate, I need to be ready. I’ll probably post some or all of my thesis here once I turn it in.

Basically, my summer is going really well. I’m keeping busy and having fun. I have a few more projects that I want to do (actually progressing with my senior thesis; finally editing the video I took in China) but I am quite content, even happy, with the status quo.

Today is awesome because of sleep.

Looking Forward: Social Nostalgia

In this last week of Junior year, I've been imagining the future a lot. I realized that this is my last week to see a lot of friends before our lives change forever yet again, and it really got me down, so I tried to figure out why it feels so different this time.

First of all, I noticed that in my friend groups, I tend to either be "the old one" or "the young one." This dynamic has never bothered me because I don't think age really matters when nobody is a significant number of years older or younger, but now that so many of my friends are no longer in school, I look forward and understand "the real world" more through their eyes. I have plans forming for my transition from school to post-graduate adulthood, but being "the young one" stands out more now that there is the divide caused by graduation (or lack thereof). Being "the old one" is also more pronounced for me because I have my eyes on the finish line rather than the dramas of college life that once seemed important but now feel small.

I was talking about this with one of my friends, and her theory is that my experiences outside of campus life are what changed things for me. After studying abroad last summer, I came back with a whole new set of experiences and stories, a new perspective on the world (particularly developing nations), and a new kind of independence. It made me think more globally about problems outside of my campus/city/state/nation, and I became more focused on my goals in the direction of a career in public health. The other key experience was my internship this past winter. I exited college life and entered working life for three months, complete with a morning commute, lunch break, security badge, and e-mail stream. This also made me more career-minded, but also awakened me to the issues in my immediate community that campus life had let me ignore for the previous two years.

Having these tastes of what life will be without college diminished the dramas of college life. When I have to deal with bureaucratic nonsense while registering for classes or the politics of student theater, I remember the things that really mattered while I was outside of the drama, and it all feels trivial though simultaneously important. Locally huge but globally small. I've also realized that my perception of my senior friends is that they were still engaged in the college stuff til the very end, while I feel like I'm phasing out early. I wonder if they really were as invested as they seemed. This all feeds back into the young/old dynamic because I feel like I'm in an awkwardly liminal space between age causing a divide and age not mattering. I am so ready for age not to matter.

While engaging in the nostalgia of imagining the future, I am nervous about the social dynamics of living in a dorm next year. It is uncommon on my campus to be in a dorm as a senior, but since I don't want to set up an apartment twice in one year (I'm lazy), and I'm experiencing a strange combination of not wanting to live alone or with people, a single in my res college was the only solution (especially since the rooms will be so nice after this summer's renovations). However, I've lost interest in many of the activities that were great when I was a freshman/sophomore, and I fear that living with a group of people who are mostly 2-3 years younger than me and deeply engaged in campus life is going to be weird while I'm working out what comes next and phasing out of campus life.

The age line makes me feel like I always have to prove that I'm cool enough to be worth it for older people to hang out with or desirable for younger people to want to know me. I know that I have friends when the age line goes away and we just exist together, but it takes a while for me to stop questioning if it's weird to be with a certain group or randomly text a given friend. I'm insecure. Whatever. I never claimed to be cool.

And speaking of social dynamics, I will always be "the old one" on campus next year because there are literally no undergrads older than the seniors. Somehow, this makes being "the young one" even harder because I'll be one step away, literally months or weeks, from that next stage of life.

While hanging out with a mixed group at the Wrestlepocalypse cast party, one of my undergrad friends wanted to complain about some political drama in the theater community. I was able to engage in that conversation, though I'm losing interest in the drama due to phasing out of that community as the younger generation is taking over. One alumnus in the room ostentatiously brought up the subject of a morning commute to highlight the triviality of theater politics. In that moment when I could shift gears from talking about something in undergrad life to understanding the complaint from post-grad life (and I did join in by complaining about the mother who never disciplined her child on the bus while I was riding to my internship), I really felt like I was hitting a transition point in my life.

I still have one more year of school. I want to enjoy that year. I also want there to be something on the other side. I'm ready to let go of the petty dramas and figure out what's next, but the things that are globally small but locally huge still matter for one more year. It really doesn't help that so many of my friends are older and gone. At this point, some of these friends who had stayed in the city are moving away to pursue new opportunities, and just knowing that they're not going to be nearby anymore is bumming me out.

I'm not ready to be the institutional living memory of my friends, their accomplishments, and our shared experiences.

I am a very resilient person. I adapt easily once a situation is finalized, but the phasing out period is so difficult for me. Knowing that there is an impending transition places me in a strange mood that really only re-equalizes to my standard level of contentment once the change happens.

I'm going to try to stick my resolution to be better at staying in touch with friends. Not in a way that neglects the friends who are still here (and there are some fantastic people one and two years younger than me who I look forward to hanging out with), but in a way that maintains these friendships that have mattered to me over the last few years. I want to be better, so I'm going to be better.

I realize that this post is a little jumbled, but I think it reflects the thoughts and feelings I'm having as the social dynamics of my college life are changing. I know that I'm focusing on the sad parts of the future rather than the awesome parts (like being the master electrician for Dolphin or hitting the 120 hour club at Dance Marathon or writing my senior thesis), but it's on my mind as I begin saying my good-byes.

Basically, I love my friends, I'm struggling with figuring out how I fit without them here, and I have things to look forward to that will lift me up while I live out this transition. I'll be fine; it's just weird right now as I realize how much I'm going to miss everyone who's leaving.

Today is awesome because I verbalized and externalized my emotional state. I believe if I can name something intangible I can control it better, so now I am in control of my formerly runaway feelings.