Moving Forward

After I posted on Saturday, things got better. I saw a fantastic, hilarious play that made me realize how lucky I am to have such talented friends. This, in addition to the play I saw on Thursday, reaffirmed why student theater is great. It gives people the chance to take artistic risks, tell stories, and share their work with others in a totally unique way. The play on Saturday had so many people doing their respective jobs for the first time and being wildly successful; I was excited and inspired.

Sunday, however, I lost my enthusiasm again. I woke up, did homework, and went to load in the show I am currently working on. I have been looking forward to this show, this job, and working with this team ever since I joined the project, but somehow, I could not muster the enthusiasm to be excited and energized about load-in, and I don't think the thrill of theater is wearing off. We got through our re-hang, but preliminary focus took a really long time. I kept thinking of all the homework and other things I could be doing during that time that did not include standing on the balcony waiting to focus lights. Luckily, we finished early, and I could go home and get sleep.

Monday, I would consider myself to have been getting better but still in a funk. I woke up early, went to the gym, turned in my study abroad application, and then went to do load-in part 2. I was just so physically and emotionally tired after a short time, which was discouraging. After class, I went back to finish up at the show, then I ate dinner, took a homework break, and returned for the prod meeting, where I completely lost patience for words. It was after midnight, and I was there because I should be, but I had no reason for or interest in listening to individuals monologue at that hour. I went home very unhappy.

Tuesday was both better and worse. I had an average morning, then I ate lunch and went to the show. Things took a much happier turn when I successfully completed my electrics work in the space by myself, correctly, and in a timely manner. I was proud of the work I did, and it reaffirmed that I am a capable human being. However, after I left the show and finished my homework, I took the time to go over a returned assignment and got pretty worked up about points that were deducted unfairly based on the work I did reflecting the content of the assignment sheet. That quickly set me back emotionally.

Today was a sort of tired-and-sad thing. I got things done, like exercising, finishing Angel, and running some errands, which was good, but I still had to deal with that assignment. I took it to office hours and did get a point back, but it doesn't change the fact that I did the work according to the instructions and still lost points. I'm not anal grades girl, but when each point I lose is a percentage point of my final grade, I get nervous as I watch certain levels of achievement slip away. I don't expect to do perfect work; I don't expect to get straight As anymore, but I do expect for my grades to reflect the thought and effort I put in, and this one did not. I'm not going to lie; I cried about this one both yesterday and today. The instructions should have been clearer if it was going to be graded as it was. I did, however, have my attendance, engagement, and understanding acknowledged, and hopefully that will swing my grade up in the end.

The thing I'm having trouble reconciling for myself is that I always identify as a really together person who can do everything. My everything is relative to what I think I can handle, and having to cut back on things that are important to me is the hardest thing I have to do. I'm trying so hard, but it's not always enough. The emotional drawback is that it is leaving me apathetic to everything and just generally sad when I try to stay positive and analytical about my life.

It's also such a huge combination of things, a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I can articulate certain events that have been triggers or effects of this mini meltdown of mine, but I don't know how to talk about why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. It's school, theater, health, nutrition, exhaustion, and being stuck in my own head, leaving me overwhelmed, stressed, sad, and apathetic. I'm ready to just go back to normal.

And I also feel guilty for getting caught up in things that are so small in the grand scheme of things. I mean, there are people dying all over the world from preventable health conditions and here I am kvetching about being sad because I can't handle the combination of things I've taken on. Boo hoo. I'm so thankful to be a privileged university student in the United States instead of a mother of three in a part of a developing nation with no healthcare.

I'm also grateful for my wonderful friends who have sensed that I'm sad. I try not to project it, because being organized and put-together is part of my persona, but I appreciate your concern. I'm being human, this will pass, but while I'm realigning I'm grateful for your hugs.

I have been more balanced this week. I got all my homework done ahead of time, exercised every day, paid attention to my diet, and prioritized the ways I spent my time. I have a feeling that I'll have complete control next week.

I am so not perfect. I never wanted to be perfect. I just somehow managed to do so many things. When my identity as "everything girl" falls apart, I fall apart. I'm still picking up the pieces, but I'd say I'm now a 70% complete jigsaw puzzle. I need a few more days to reclaim who and what I am, but I'll be fine. I just have to get through the sad.

And here's the real important part: why today is awesome. It's bringing me back to optimism. I'm going to do this before bed each night so I can find the good in my days; that's the point of the exercise which started during daily blogs.

Today is awesome because I have caring friends who can tell I'm not myself, and because Falsettos is an amazing production.